There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
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Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
at ease…shoulder.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”