Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
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nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
A new level of troll.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
wtf management?!
Breaking news:
Cake safety first. Always.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.