I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
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Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Sending in my taxes
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.