I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
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What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
notice
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.