Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
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Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Just a bush.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.