“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
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New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured