We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
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*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.