Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
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Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.