Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
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A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.