[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
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My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?