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What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that鈥檚 why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I鈥檓 moving out.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
HER: it鈥檚 pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let鈥檚 go to the hospital
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
ME: I鈥檓 glad we don鈥檛 feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don鈥檛 want to kill the spider don鈥檛 kill the spider.
ME: It鈥檚 just SO big.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I am never leaving this website
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it鈥檚 probably cupcakes.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.