CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
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Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Lmfao
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.