Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
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I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.