Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
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Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
🖤✌🏽
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”