Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
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2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Breaking news:
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
oppen heimer style lol
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself