Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
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Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
mom gave me mine for free
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Harsh but fair
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.