When ur friends with white people
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That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
need him
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Geez man, take it easy.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.