Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
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Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]