I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
You Might Also Like
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
sir, my pâté if you please
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱