Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
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ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
@ candidates for local office
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla