I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
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[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
why am I working on Labor Day
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?