We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
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Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please