My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
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Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window