modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
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me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”