Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
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4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.