I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
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Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I’m about to risk it all
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.