The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
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I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.