[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
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My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels