When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
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The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
If you want my opinion ask my wife