Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
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Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
December birthdays be like…
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry