Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
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The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley