At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
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When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
That’s classic.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.