My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
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My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?