“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
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i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms