When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
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Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”