Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
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Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Sharon I have some bad news
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Social Media and Real life
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.