Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
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Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode