I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
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Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
I hate my earbuds.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles