*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
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Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Anime is real
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.