angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
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If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
*pronounces fake like saké*
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
hmm conte-me mais
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us