{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
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Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I have a new favorite meme page
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Comparing yourself to others
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.