idk what he going thru but i feel him
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Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”