You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
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My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Google assistant rules
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Very good news from my accountant
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.