A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
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Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows