“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
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I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
ready to be harvested
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.