Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
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I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay