My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
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I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.