Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
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POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]