Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
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Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
I drew y’all a little something.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.