[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
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My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Webb. James Webb.